sugar babies

I once wrote up a story about testing Roxanne. You all know Roxanne by now as a very independent thinker. Roxanne does not feel she needs to sit still even if I wish it. It is embarrassing that I, a well-seasoned cat tester, still have so much trouble corralling and containing the smallest cat I've ever owned. I would probably not have all this trouble were it not for the fact that I'm an idiot. Right before I decide to test her, I'm usually thinking something really stupid, like, "Gosh, I've had Roxanne for a year and a half and this morning she was cuddling with me. She probably won't mind if I just quickly put her in my lap."

Testing Leo is nothing like testing Roxanne. For starters, Leo thinks treats are the best thing in his entire life and will do absolutely anything I ask to get a treat. He loves them. He placidly sits in my lap, waits for the poke, flicks his ear to let me know I'm moving too slowly, and listens for the meter beep. At this point he jumps off my lap while I'm still holding his ear because he's so excited that treats are coming.

Conspirator #1

To create a manic situation in my home, all I have to do is say, "Leo, want some treats?" and it begins. Leo comes barreling through the house to get his treats and Rox and Niko assume positions surrounding him. They each have important roles in testing Leo. Niko is in charge of disturbing and distracting Leo by pretending he will get a treat first by pawing the bag of treats in a loud and insistent manner. Roxanne is in charge of The Real Trouble.

This generally starts just as soon as Leo is in my lap. I carefully balance the test strip in the meter, without starting the countdown. I rub Leo's ear to warm it up. Roxanne sneaks around me and steals the strip. I never, ever notice she's done this until I hear the crunching. *sigh* Roxanne just ate $0.34. One-handed, I pop the strip vial open and extract another strip and try to balance the strip in the mouth of the meter. It takes skill to do this one-handed. I see her coming this time and push Roxanne away from the new strip, but am too slow to see her notice the lancet. She darts in, grabs the lancet, and commences chewing on that. Niko begins pawing the bag, wondering why it's taking so long. Leo decides he's done with his test and gets up to leave.

Conspirator #2

I am so practiced at this that I can now, in one fluid motion, reseat Leo, pull the treat bag away from Niko and retrieve my lancet from a now-annoyed Roxanne. I give her back her chewed up test strip, but it no longer holds her interest once out of the meter. She begins to look for other things to steal by positioning herself right in front of Leo's face. Leo, unable to breathe, starts flicking his tail, which momentarily distracts Niko from his attempts to open the treat bag. He pounces on the tail, which might be an intruder that needs to be killed. Leo swats, but hits Roxanne, who jumps just far enough to spot the lancet I've hidden under my leg. Quick as a fox, she's in and out with my lancet before I could react. I pull my backup lancet out from my shirt pocket and poke Leo's ear before further chaos intrudes. Roxanne, happily chewing on the lancet, notices there's a second lancet and begins to stalk me. I quickly shove the second lancet under my foot, stabbing myself in the process. Trying not to howl in pain, I jam the strip in the meter and position the meter to draw up the tiny spot of blood my solitary poke managed to yield. Got it!

Back in the early days of testing Leo, I would place the meter on the floor during the countdown and grab a paper towel to hold to Leo's ear. Roxanne spotted the new test strip and raced to grab it. Watching the countdown as the meter flew away from me at breakneck speed, I was prevented from catching it due to the treat-obsessed kitty in my lap. I would have to pick him up, carry him to retrieve the meter, and begin the whole process over, causing one very sad, overly-poked kitty. Nowadays, I'm well-trained by my cats.

For starters, I always have two meters and two vials of test strips in case the unthinkable happens. I have unlimited lancets stored on my person. I never, ever, staunch the flow of blood until I have a successful test with my meter in my hand. Finally, knowing Roxanne is driven to eat things that are inappropriate for a kitty to eat, I never test Leo without wearing a shirt with pockets to hold the meter during the countdown, the backup lancets and a present for Roxanne: an empty syringe wrapper. Oh the joy! Roxanne's very own treat for putting up with the whole testing process. As Leo and Niko crunch happily through their pile of freeze-dried chicken, Roxanne (who hates "healthy" treats) gets her very own loud, scrunchy toy to bat around.

We still have moments, like when Niko decides there might be treats in the testing container and knocks it over, spilling lancets, strips, meters and tissues. Roxanne will occasionally choose the moment I poke Leo to pick a fight with Niko. Through it all, Leo sits patiently, knowing that soon he will get delicious treats if he can just live through this one test.